Under Analysis: Do you have more control than a fifth grader?

By Mark Levison

The Levison Group

The day started well. I was in an elementary school in a depressed area of the county mentoring a fifth grader named Darius. The lesson of the day was “self-control.” The boys and girls in his class still had the enthusiasm of youth — they didn’t feel the labels of social status, class, gender or genetic background that all too often painfully arises and divides us as we get older and more aware of our “differences.” The mentoring program was started by a Midwestern lawyer’s wife, so many of the mentors at the elementary school were attorneys. The program was, in a sense, bigger than just the mentors or the class within which they toiled. Before we were taken to the mentees’ classrooms, we were serenaded by the school choir. Their song, “Tomorrow Needs Us,” included the lyrics, “I am just one person, but I know that it will matter when I try to make the changes that I know could help this world...Tomorrow needs us. There is a better way.” I was moved by the efforts being made in the elementary school to put our children, and their futures, on the right road.

In the classroom, we presented the young students with several potential conflict situations. In one case, a group of kids approached a peer and insisted he let them use his IPod. In another, a girl’s bike was being shared by a group of students until one refused to yield to the next child in turn. We talked out, and eventually acted out, various alternative methods to address and resolve the conflicts that ensued. The teacher and I walked the students through scenarios that would result in satisfactory, if not perfect solutions. We worked on ways to maintain self-control and avoid physical violence. Even though the conflicts were manufactured in a controlled setting, at times the students appeared to react with real emotions and head toward physical retaliation. Nevertheless, it was clear to me that on a basic level the fifth graders knew violence was not the answer. Yet, for all of us, sometimes that internal voice —  the one that knows right from wrong —  gets muted, ignored or worse. There are a multitude of explanations for the submersion of our moral compass, but there really is no excuse, and we worked to bring this point home to the children.

The lawyer/mentors explained to the students that as lawyers, while we “fight” for the rights and perspectives of our clients, we do so fairly, within the rules, and we don’t turn and punch the other side —  even though we might feel like it. I explained that for me the hardest time to exercise self-control is when the person with whom I am having a problem has completely lost their self-control. I suggested that if they could maintain self-control in that type of situation, they would feel far better about themselves than if they had engaged in a physical battle. The kids and I discussed that unless they were the Dali Lama, they were going to encounter a lifetime of conflicts, and that the key was not the conflicts, but how they dealt with them. We also talked about people who had failed to maintain self-control and found themselves on the wrong side of the legal system.

Later in the day, back at the law office, I picked up the morning paper. The headline that caught my attention was “William B. Taylor was found guilty of murdering his girlfriend with a screwdriver.” The section titled “Law and Order” contained the headlines: “Broker Going to Prison,” “Porn Investigation Continues,” “Teen Charged With Statutory Sodomy,” and “Child Beating Suspect Out of Jail.”

Most of us cannot conceive what goes on in an individual’s mind that somehow allows that person to lose so much control that they would kill their boyfriend or girlfriend with a screwdriver. I wondered about the kids I’d just left, that day’s lessons on self-control, and our joint efforts to keep them out of those types of headlines.

Before leaving the classroom, I had told the kids I believed it was always important, as a lawyer, to keep the goal of peaceful conflict resolution uppermost in my mind. I then suggested that the standard for them should be no different. Finally, I wanted to make it clear how often we all make mistakes and the importance of learning from them. I told them about the time early in my career when I walked out of an oral argument and was so mad at opposing counsel that I grabbed him, picked him up and pinned him against the courthouse wall. I told the class it would have been much better to win the case. Who was smarter than a fifth grader that day?

Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column. Mark Levison is a member of the law firm Lathrop & Gage L.C. You can reach the Levison Group in care of this paper or by e-mail at comments@levisongroup.com. © 2010 Under Analysis L.L.C.