Pain and discovering new depths

By Fred Cavaiani This past week something unusual happened to me. I was sick for about five days with a fever, headache, body aches and fatigue. During this time I noticed inner changes within myself that I did not like. Usually I am a gentle, understanding and very patient person on the inside and, I hope, on the outside as well. Well, my capacity for inner patience just went out the window. I found myself becoming internally aggravated over the placement of a stop sign, a car driving slowly, or someone just walking in front of me. I wasn't bedridden the whole five days, though maybe I should have stayed in bed the whole time just to have avoided people. Thank God I had enough ego strength not to act out these feelings by yelling at anyone or telling someone sarcastic and mean things about themselves. Though I didn't verbalize these thoughts, I certainly felt like verbalizing them. My inner patience had just evaporated. It was the strangest experience. What happened to the person I thought I was? He just wasn't there. This was a grand lesson of humility and an even greater lesson of discovering empathy for people who are chronically or seriously in pain. The reservoir of emotional energy simply gets used up by the illness and the pain. Having warm, loving and gentle feelings towards others can become very difficult. I was grateful that I spent a lot of time in meditation and reflection. Without these I would have been unbearable to live with because my lack of ego strength was depleting rapidly. I couldn't exercise to raise my serotonin levels because I felt weak and my head pounded. I had to cancel appointments because my ability to concentrate had been blown away by the pounding in my head. Trying to meditate seemed like an absolute waste of time because I felt so much pain. After three days of this journey into a place I didn't ask to be, where it took almost divine protection not to shout and scream at the most unknowing person who could be aggravating me by doing absolutely nothing, wisdom finally arrived. I said to myself: What really happens to people who are in constant pain? How do they cope with life? My heart flooded with empathy for them, their courage, their worries and concerns. But it was in embracing this pain that I arrived at a point where compassion and wisdom could begin to take hold. It also helped me to have a bit of compassion toward myself. My little five days of a virus was nothing compared to what so many people must endure. Suffering forces and challenges us to look at our inner depths. It brings us to our knees in realizing we need other people. We need Someone or Something greater than ourselves to restore us to an inner peace. We need a God of Wisdom, Love and Peace that will give us the energy to learn from what we are experiencing and to embrace the pain without fighting it and thus using up all our energy. Cancer and recovering from cancer can deprive anyone of energy. Recovering from a heart attack or a serious disease can be weakening and painful. The weary person in the last stages of life can feel alone and empty and deprived of energy. These are the helpless times. Losing a friend or family member to death or watching them diminish away from disease can be very energy depriving also. These are the helpless times again. Painful and helpless times stop us suddenly and momentarily on the road of life. We wonder if life will ever be the same again. Can we ever really breathe again without pain or fear? All of these are the moments of surrender to Something or Someone deeper and more powerful than ourselves. It may be asking someone else for help. It may be reading an inspiring book. It may be asking for help from God when we are trying to make sense of things or trying to become quiet and listen to this God speaking to us. At these times we might even walk away from any concept or experience of a God. Yet it is a time for acknowledging and embracing our pain in the present moment. In this present moment of embrace, powerful and profound luminosity will begin to happen. But in running from these moments we stay in darkness. I need to accept and acknowledge and feel my weakness in order to find strength. I need to embrace my doubt to discover Faith. I need to feel in order to heal. In this "death" through pain I will rise to something deeper both now and eventually forever. But it hurts and it is rough. My heart will always go out to anyone in physical, emotional and spiritual pain. I will walk with you on your journey. I have a new glimpse at what it must be like. I thought I understood pain but now I can understand it even more because of the five days of pain that came upon me. And what I felt was so small compared to what many people have experienced and will experience over and over again. We are all connected. ---------- Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage counselor and psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeast Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. This week's column is running on Wednesday because Cavaiani was sick (see above). He can be reached at (248)362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com. Published: Wed, Mar 28, 2012