Counselor's Corner: Cracks in our armor

By Fred Cavaiani

Football players and hockey players wear “armor” to keep themselves protected. Shoulder pads, rib pads and helmets protect these players from serious injury in the hard contact with other players. Baseball players wear headgear and shin-gear to protect them from a hardball hurling toward them at 90 miles an hour. When the game is over it becomes so refreshing to take off the “armor” and let fresh air and sunlight fall upon the body. A cool refreshing shower after a hard fought game is a welcome antidote to sore muscles and a sweaty body.

Yet in psychological and spiritual terms we all have armor that protects us from experiencing life in a deeper, more refreshing manner. The armor we wear protects us from wisdom, peace and relationships. This armor is held together by addictions to substances such as drugs, alcohol and food. It is also held fast to our bodies and minds by consistent activity, noise, and a running away from silence.

Another method of keeping our armor intact is to avoid close relationships and stay away from sharing our feelings and desires for love, God, peace and joy. Our armor holds us prisoner in our intellectualizations, rationalizations and procrastinations.

Then one day a crack in our armor begins to emerge. It happens when we have been reflective for awhile. In the silence and reflection our defenses are challenged. Through that crack a hunger and desire for something deeper begins to emerge. We start to like being silent and listening to ourselves. We might even have a mild experience of God during this time when our armor seems cracked. Light and love starts coming through this crack and stirring our hearts and minds for something deeper. We begin to have a desire for a deeper relationship with ourself and with other people. A longing for God begins to surface.

But then it gets uncomfortable. So we return to more alcohol, drugs, food, hectic activity, work, resentments and “superficial good times.” A party where we can have fun and avoid anything serious becomes so very attractive. We spend our time talking about the limitations and faults of other people. We can then close the crack that is allowing the light to come inside of us where we begin to see ourselves more accurately.

So the crack is repaired and we can continue our life living on the surface looking for whatever can distract us from looking and embracing the deeper, more precious and meaningful experiences of life. Anything that can give us immediate relief will work. It can be work, booze, drugs, sex, constant activity, addiction to whatever can keep us from going deeper. Some of the addictions may even be healthy addictions like exercise, sport activities, etc. Yet we engage in these in such a frenzied manner that the benefit we receive is blunted and muffled by so many other actions that cause us to avoid ourselves.

Then the day finally arrives. We hit bottom so hard that our armor really has a serious crack in it. We realize that we are miserable and want to be genuinely happy. We begin to look around us and see who is really happy. Which people in our life really have a sense of peace within them? We get glimpses of clarity. People who are happy are not caught up in substances that muffle pain and creativity and insight. People who are happy seem to be humble and open to other people. They just accept us and care about us. In this moment of clarity we even begin to think about a relationship with God. We begin to recognize the many failed relationships in our own lives and feel something bubbling inside of us that own responsibility for our behavior in failed relationships and in damaging behavior to ourselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Something profound is happening to us. The cracks in our armor are now experienced as something good. We can let the sunlight and fresh air come into our mind, heart and body. It is beginning to feel good.

How do we continue to let this crack in our armor become wider so we can receive more light and love into our psyche?

The solution is in finding right relationships with other people. It is in finding a right relationship with a God. It is in finding a right relationship with our own personal self. This takes discovering and allowing community to happen and in allowing silence to happen. In every 12 step program there is community, fellowship and sharing. There is also silence happening. In both the community and silence there is absolute acceptance of one another. In every Church community that has psychological and spiritual validity there is a sense of community, fellowship and sharing that is unconditional, persistent and consistent. There is also silence.

So how do I keep my armor weakened so I can live and breathe again? The cracks in my armor can continue by finding the right community, making time for silence, and taking good care of my body. In doing this, Light and Love continue to shine deeply within me guiding me to a new and joyful and peaceful life in spite of whatever pain or struggles come my way.

When cracks in your armor happen it is a grace-filled day. This is really a daily event. Don’t repair the cracks. Let them open up wide and disintegrate. Shed your armor and become fully alive. It is a wonderful life to live. There is always a tugging at your heart to go deeper and experience the wisdom, power and love of Someone and Something that is beyond yourself. This experience will bring you into a right relationship with yourself and with others. You will succeed and be happy regardless of what happens around you.

Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage counselor and psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeast Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at (248)362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his Web site is fredthecounselor.com.