Under Analysis: What I want for Christmas

 Lisa Henderson-Newlin, The Levison Group

It’s the holidays once again. The time to give thanks for what we have is over, and the time to make demands for things we want is upon us. I think the PC term isn’t demands. I think it’s “wish list.” 

However, I’m anything but PC so I’m sticking with demands. It’s more accurate anyway. 

After all, I’m not giving you your box of broken candy canes from last year until you fork over my gift, so I guess that really does make them demands. 

Don’t get me wrong. This list is not exhaustive. Summer homes and trips are also not only accepted, but encouraged. But if you don’t want to go the extra mile (or 12,000 if we’re speaking in actual miles), then here’s a list if things I want that should be within your budget. 

 

Throat lozenges

I talk all day every day and my voice needs to be taken care of. After all, it’s kind of my money maker. How else am I supposed to wear down my opponent if not by using my annoying voice and vibrant personality? Surely I can’t be expected to do legal work...

 

A mannequin

I want it to be realistic so it can sit at my desk and make it look like I’m working when I’m actually napping under my desk George Costanza style. 

I also loved that movie by the same title from the 80s and I kind of want to see if I could get a mannequin to come alive for me.  She could do my laundry.

A stain resistant suit  

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spilled something on my suit at dinner. The worst is when it’s with clients.  

Don’t worry. I always pass it off like I meant to dump a bottle of ketchup in my lap.  Maybe that’s just the price I pay for taking clients to a super nice fast food joint where the ketchup is self-serve. 

Actually, the price I pay for that meal is cheap, mostly because I have coupons.

Either way, I’d love to be able to quietly wring out my wine-dipped sleeve and go about my evening. (Of course, I would wring out the excess wine back into my wine glass  so as to conserve it.  I’m all about recycling.)

 

A chauffeur

I’m always doing a million things at once and if I had a chauffeur I could get a lot of things done while in traffic.  As it stands now, I use traffic as a way to test my Ed McMahan impressions and see how many faces I can make at the surrounding cars before they roll their windows down and threaten legal action.  Plus, I’d really like to have someone pick me up at the door and call me Miss.  

I would call him Chauncey, even though his name would probably be Darren.

 

Slippers for the office

Do you know uncomfortable heels are? I have a hard enough time walking three blocks in heels from the parking garage. After undergoing such a laborious activity, I’m then expected to hobble in heels to the copier? No thank you. My feet need a break and nothing says comfort quite like a pair of fuzzy slippers. 

They say it’s easier to wear slippers than it is to carpet the world. The same holds true for the floors of my office building. 

If you’re wondering what to get me this holiday season, this should give you a good idea. However, money always works too. That way I can buy what I want and I don’t have to act like I’m thrilled when I open your gift and discover it’s a hand knitted sweater with a picture of a cat on it. 

Everyone knows I’m a dog person. 

Come to think of it, just give me money. You’ll probably screw up buying what I want and I just can’t take another cat sweater. 

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Lisa Henderson-Newlin is a member of the law firm McAnany Van Cleave and Phillips.  Contact Under Analysis by email at comments@levisongroup.com.

© 2013 Under Analysis L.L.C.

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