Extinction suddenly doesn't sound so bad

Kent Bush, The Daily Record Newswire

The 2016 Presidential campaign has been a rough one for America. In the same way Facebook and Twitter revealed to you how many of your relatives enjoy racist humor, this election has shown that American politics is rapidly devolving into a party-controlled reality television show.

I just hope we don’t get canceled.

There is still a part of me that thinks that Barack Obama is orchestrating both party primaries in order to get Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on November’s ballot. I’m sure Obama thinks when Americans learn more about their choices they will immediately repeal the 22nd Amendment and make him King for Life.

Of course the real competition in 2016 doesn’t include Trump, Clinton or Obama.

There are two lesser known candidates seeking support who won’t want to be named King for Life. If one of them wins, it will mean the end to all life on the planet.

The candidates are so bad this year many voters have divided their support between two other choices. Neither of these candidates can be accused of making promises they won’t keep because they don’t need Congressional help to get their platforms enacted.

The real choice in 2016 is between Sweet Meteor O’Death and Giant Meteor 2016.

Considering both of these candidates are meteors, they have a very different take on life — specifically from which side of the aisle they will end all life on earth.

Sweet Meteor O’Death’s Twitter bio says he calls himself a “Candidate for President, Precambrian Conservative, Ready to Make an Impact, Tough on Putin and Iran, I’ll probably destroy all Earthly life.” (I don’t know why I used a male pronoun. It wasn’t paternalism. It just seems like ending all life on earth is more of a male trait.)

Giant Meteor 2016 calls himself a “Giant flaming meteor, extinction level event, 2016 presidential candidate, probably your best option.” Giant Meteor’s main slogan is “Just end it already.”

That seems fatalistic and then you see interviews with Clinton and Trump and you think, maybe that’s not such a bad idea.

Giant Meteor seems to be a member of the “Never Trump” movement. Some of his tweets include:

• “A Trump presidency would pull us backward by 50 years. A giant meteor would put us back 66 million years.”

• Global warming is real, and we must act now to stop it. That’s why I’m dedicated to creating a catastrophic nuclear winter.

• We cannot allow Trump to win. With your vote I will destroy Trump in 2016. I will destroy Earth. I will destroy everything.

On the other side, the giant rock speeding toward earth campaign has yielded more moderate tweets from Sweet Meteor O’Death. Sweet Meteor takes on both sides. Here is a sample.

• Trump isn’t serious

• Trump won’t win one state

• Trump won’t have the delegates

• Trump will lose to Hillary

• POLL:

Shameless liar who relies on identity politics (D) 1 percent

Shameless liar who relies on identity politics (R) 2 percent

Global mass extinction 97 percent

• Why Sanders fans should support me:

No more banks

No more campaign contributions

Everyone gets the same healthcare

Everyone is dead

I don’t know about everyone else, but mass extinction doesn’t seem so bad when you think about what the next four years will be like.

So if Obama can’t be King for Life and no third party candidate can save us, we might as well support a giant flaming ball of rock sailing through space on a collision course with earth.

I’m not ready to officially endorse either astronomical candidate, but I am willing to consider it.

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Kent Bush is publisher of Shawnee (Oklahoma) News-Star and can be reached at kent.bush @news-star.com.

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