THE COUNSELOR'S CORNER: Wisdom in a few words

By Fred Cavaiani During this past weekend we celebrated the birthday of a close friend. This man was in our wedding party 39 years ago. He and his wife have been close friends over these past 39 years. I have known him since high school. He is a man of few words but as my wife so aptly expressed "You have been there whenever we need you. You are the wise one who knows how to do whatever needs doing. Our group can be noisy, lively and very talkative. Val is there quietly taking it all in, supporting with a nod and a loving smile. Val is proof that wisdom can be imparted with few words." These sentiments were expressed in different ways by the close friends gathered together at this party. We all took turns expressing what this wonderful man has meant to all of us over so many years. He has always been a man of few words but his words are listened to carefully and with appreciation. His 'one liners" of wisdom and humor have endeared him to all of us. As I reflected on this party I had a greater appreciation for those who listen carefully to others without the need to convince, convert or cajole others into their way of thinking. It is so refreshing to be with people who state their opinion clearly and concisely and are comfortable with you whether you agree with their viewpoint or not. In life we all have our own ideas and viewpoints of how the world should be and how other people should be. It is part of being human. In younger years it is easy to want to convince others of how right we are and how it is best to agree with our concept of what is correct. I have always been inspired by those who confidently and comfortably state their viewpoints with conciseness and calmness. Conciseness and calmness inspires and motivates. It also becomes very disarming to those listening. Even after so many years our little group that had gathered on Sunday evening for this joyous party can quote some of Val's one sentence statements over the years. His brevity and dry humor allowed each of us to think deeply on what he was saying. That celebration gave me a whole new appreciation for the value of short statements. The short term memory can really remember only four things at a time and then we start forgetting or being distracted from listening. When we are brief in what we are saying we keep our audiences. When we talk too long and too loud we begin to tune out or turn off our audiences. Good public speakers know how to use emotion in a very economical manner. Short sentences filled with wisdom and feeling inspire and motivate. It is refreshing to listen to people who can be concise and yet be emotional at the same time. Listening closely to someone else is an art form which involves putting our ego aside and becoming attentive to another person. In this attentiveness wisdom begins to happen. We can now appreciate what someone else is thinking and can begin to understand why they think the way they do. It is called listening to understand instead of listening to convert. When I listen to understand I set up the atmosphere for someone else to listen to me because they do not have be on guard to defend their ideas. They can share their ideas freely. Within this freedom to share and explore everyone has the opportunity to look deeper within and discover what is really happening. ---------- Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage counselor and psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeast Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at (248)362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com. Published: Wed, May 23, 2012