Fred Cavaiani
Have you ever been in a grumpy mood? What do you do when people seem to act like they have absolutely no idea about the negative impact they might be having on you? What do you do when a salesperson says hello to you but with an absolute stoic face? It is like their face doesn't know how to smile or as if a smile or warm glance would cause their face damage. I belong to a health club where the employees are taught to be friendly and smile and greet everyone. But many do not know how to do this. It always bugs me when the smile seems insincere and phony. Then it really bothers me when there is absolutely no smile or warm greeting from the person at the front desk when I enter the club. After I get to the locker room I can become internally exasperated when someone has taken all the bench space around my locker with no awareness at all that the club is for everyone, not just for that person. What do you do when someone points out your flaws and you weren't asking for feedback? What do you do when the chaos in the world upsets your inner tranquility or creates within you a fear of what could happen next and who might die next? What do you do when someone close to you gets cancer? What do you do when you share a feeling with someone else and they respond with a negative response instead of an understanding empathy with what you might be feeling? Have you ever been with someone who seems to relate to what you are saying with a contrary opinion or remark before they have even listened with compassion to what you were saying?
When these examples happen to me I internally have become upset because people in this world do not live the way I think they should live. They have not asked for my permission to do whatever they want to do. They go on living their lives without my approval. Sometimes the way others live can cause great hurt and harm to other people. Why can't everyone be kind, loving, generous and compassionate? Why can't everyone agree to live in harmony and have the same beliefs about God, Love, Compassion and the willingness to share this world's possessions with everyone else? Why can't the very wealthy have more compassion and understanding toward the poor? Why can't the poor understand that the wealthy create jobs for the rest of the world? As we have just celebrated Labor Day to appreciate all those who work for a living and realize that unions have helped the hourly workers receive a just wage, we also remember that sometimes we can feel entitled to do whatever we can get away with? The wealthy can cheat the common person. The common person can cheat the wealthy. It seems to go both ways and no one has asked my permission do this. And because I haven't given you permission you are not allowed to do this.
Oh, sometimes being Chairperson of the Universe is such a burden! These wars, these marital conflicts, and these persistent addictions to money, power, drugs and alcohol, and crime and dishonesty just keep happening. It just upsets me because people are supposed to live the way I think they should live. Everyone should be emotionally well-balanced, have a strong faith in God, and make the world a better place to live in. So why don't you all do this. I give you permission.
Then comes a jolting realization. I am not God. I am not the Chairperson of the Universe. People have a free will to make their own choices in life. Some make very poor choices and some suffer terribly from other people's choices. Things happen to people that are tragic and painful. Serious illnesses, sudden accidents, weather catastrophes, and many others circumstances happen that are out of our control.
As the years go by I am confronted with the realization that I am not in control of the universe. I am also struck with the realization that a loving God has given everyone a free will to do whatever they want. But this free will has also been given to me. I can choose to condemn and judge and criticize and send those who disagree with me to an emotional hell. But I can also choose to be loving, kind, warm and compassionate toward everyone, regardless how they might be or how they treat me. When I do this, I create an atmosphere of love and compassion. When I treat rejection with kindness, hateful actions toward me with loving actions toward you, disappointments in you with compassion and love toward you, I then discover an inner peace. I discover the power and healing of love. I began to discover that my love for you disarms you and creates a climate for you to look at yourself. Love heals and disarms. When hatred is embraced by love there is only one person hating and after awhile that hatred gets weakened and falls back upon the person hating. Eventually wisdom begins to happen and hatred loses power. I have disarmed you by my love even though my love for you may cause me to lose my life. Love disarms other people. It also heals me and heals you. I have learned that when I treat everyone with love, respect and compassion two powerful things happen. You do not become my enemy. I give up trying to change you into my way of thinking. My love and compassion for you allows you to challenge your way of thinking because no matter what happens, I will not become your enemy. I have begun to disarm you by not fighting with you or condemning you. When I give up attributing bad motives to you because you see things differently than me, I can bring kindness into your life. When I refuse to get embroiled about arguing over politics, religion, opinions, and a need to convince you that my way of thinking is better than yours, you might then begin to listen to how I see things. The people in my life who have positively influenced me have not tried to convince me that I must be like them or think the way they do. They have simply humbly loved me and reached out to me with warmth and kindness. In this warmth and kindness I can sit beside them and listen to their viewpoints and develop a relationship. In this encounter I am changed for the better.
To do this I must first humbly give up my need to be right and my need to get people to be the way I think they should be. I need to humbly be open and broken with my God as I understand God to be a power that is always loving and kind. I also need to realize that change can only come from persistent and consistent compassionate love and kindness. The amazing thing that happens to me is that the more I love, the more I experience a God in my life who teaches me wisdom and profound meaning in each moment of life. The more I become angry and judgmental the more I lose my peace and tranquility. Peace and tranquility come from a humble surrender to God, whomever God is for me, and a gentle compassion toward everyone with an effort to understand your pain. I find a peace and a freedom when I give up being Chairperson of the Universe. The world doesn't have to be the way I want it to be. But I need to be open, humble, loving, and take the time to listen attentively to a God who is always speaking to me words of love and encouragement and affirmation and asking me to surrender more and love more. It becomes a glorious life and I can then find goodness everywhere regardless of what is happening around me. Love heals and love disarms. Whatever happens becomes a stepping stone to embracing and bringing more love and compassion to those around me. We create a dance of love that brings such peaceful and profound meaning to the present moment.
Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage counselor and psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center. He can be reached at 248-362-3340 or Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
Published: Wed, Sep 03, 2014
