The root of conflict: unmet expectations and needs

As humans, we have a basic need to belong to feel connected. When we experience discord, our sense of security can feel threatened. We tend to experience conflict as contrary to fostering connection; yet, if navigated well, it can serve as a conduit for strengthening bonds. Conflict isn't something we are eager to talk about. Addressing our hopes, fears, communication breakdowns, feelings of being unappreciated or disrespected, and areas of misalignment or incompatibility requires us to be aware, intentional and courageous. If you value the connection, you must want to resolve the issue and enrich the relationship. If you value a work environment that imbibes robust, productive dialogue, you must build trust and embrace vulnerability. ----- Conflict, simplified Conflict is complex, messy and commonplace. People bring varied opinions, biases, life experiences and habits to each relationship and every conversation. Oftentimes, people are responding to not just what's in front of them, but to a long history of experiences that have informed their belief systems. Conflict, like change, is inevitable; yet we stumble through it. We avoid it and/or the person, become passive-aggressive; get defensive, angry or resentful; and feel hurt, stressed and rejected. Avoidance of authentic conversations is an avoidance of being exposed. True connection requires being seen for who we really are. By demystifying and de-escalating conflict, we create more symbiotic and resilient relationships. We have expectations and attachments to certain outcomes, ways we want people to be, and experiences we want to have. When those expectations aren't met, we are disappointed maybe even discouraged and frustrated. The real messiness comes when we shut down and don't tend to the situation effectively. In the work environment, you might expect people to take accountability for deliverables, be responsive, or provide solutions to problems. These all seem reasonable, but how clearly and frequently do you provide feedback to help align actions with expectations? Do you model them consistently? How you show up in these microcosms speaks to how well you are or are not - building trust. When we are vague, make blanket statements, or tolerate things that are not working, we are sending confusing and mixed messages. In a recent facilitation of a project kickoff, we unearthed contradictory expectations. In one instance, a foreman was told by a leader that his role was critical to the project's profitability, and by another leader, he was told not to worry about profitability but rather focus on executing the work. In another example, project managers were told they should not be billable; yet each project manager's workload was vastly different, requiring flexibility in being billable for project success. Like expectations, an unmet need can create friction. If we need a decision made, resources allocated, or to be informed, included or consulted, and our needs go unmet, we might feel inconsequential, dismissed, and not heard or appreciated. We begin to believe the stories we tell ourselves about our interpretation of the situation. Trust drops and the schism widens. ----- The role of communications The first objective of communications in conflict is not actually to fix or resolve the situation, but to understand both the issue and the deeper concern behind it. The purpose in communications is not simply the sharing of information; it is a space to make a connection. When we have an experience that is out of alignment with our expectations and/or not meeting our needs, it's a cue to speak up. Have the conversation. Start with being accountable for clearly articulating your own expectations and check for understanding. Don't assume they are obvious to anyone but yourself. Even then, upon reflection, you might be surprised at what you discover about your own expectations when you take time to examine them. You can also start by taking responsibility for getting your needs met. Be accountable for clearly speaking your truth, for resolving issues, and for healthy team dynamics. I hear clients say, "He/she should know â?¦" or "it's obvious that â?¦" I contend that if you are struggling communicating, you are struggling with connecting. Do you need feedback, direction, a decision, a sounding board, or to be better informed? Get clear on your ask so that others can respond better. This kind of commitment also reflects self-respect and boundaries prerequisites for healthy relationships. Identify your emotions and their triggers; notice what you take personally and what assumptions you are making. If we feel wronged in some way, it's important to pause and reflect. What story are you telling yourself? Likely we are building our case about why we are right and the other is wrong. This right/wrong and black/white self-protectionist thinking sabotages any real chance of reconciliation or alignment. Most life happens in the gray, where there's more ambiguity and less control, and thereby increased risk, fear and vulnerability. ----- Karen Natzel is a business therapist who helps leaders create healthy, vibrant and high-performing organizations. Contact her at 503-806-4361 or karen@natzel.net. Published: Fri, Sep 27, 2019