'Twas the night before the office holiday party

Stephen Scott, BridgeTower Media Newswires

Back when I was a kid, books and nighttime stories were simple. There were no duplicitous meanings, jokes only adults understood, or room for interpretation. The stories said what they meant. For example, my mom read me the Berenstain Bears story about not getting candy at the checkout line when, earlier that day, I had a tantrum about not getting enough candy at the checkout line.

The stories I read to my children are different: “Dragons Love Tacos” – seemingly teaching my son to be stubborn about the food he chooses; “Secret Pizza Party” – seemingly about binge-eating unhealthy food; and the list goes on. While I admit there are some stories that teach valuable lessons about teamwork, gumption and friendship, those books put forth more esoteric ideas than the black-and-white stories of my childhood and the Berenstain Bears.

That got me thinking: Has the advice businesspeople receive also shifted over the past 30 years from black and white to the esoteric? Given the rise of buzzwords like “synergy,” “thought leadership” and “alignment,” I am willing to bet it has. With that in mind, and with the holidays looming, I have recreated a classic story. It is my hope this story resonates with you the same way my mom’s retelling of the Berenstain Bears tale of inappropriately throwing a tantrum at the grocery story used to resonate with me ...

‘Twas the night before the office holiday party, when all through the venue, every last thing was prepared, right down to the menu. The drink cards were allotted by HR with care, in hopes that a lawsuit would never come to bear.
The HR rep’s employees were nestled, all safe in their beds, while their attorney’s eight holiday party reminders danced in their heads:

Maybe don’t serve booze, which is easier to do, if your event is a catered lunch – perhaps with significant others too.

Inviting employee partners is always wise; it might spare you some hurting, because significant others’ presence ought to prevent naughty flirting.

Most companies serve alcohol – it lightens the mood; but be sure to provide nonalcoholic drinks, along with some food. Use a cash bar, or tickets, to limit their drinks. Offer rides home at no cost, so no one ends up in the clink.
Serve just beer and wine, and just those two, because liquor or punch can make employers blue.

Hire a pro to monitor alcohol consumption. A bartender can work, without making bad assumptions. If they see someone drunk, they can cut them off quick, and alert managers to handle it, which should do the trick.

On duty! On duty! That is what you say, to a few of your managers, to avoid a doomsday. They can spot bad behavior, and watch out for trouble, and since they’ll be sober, they can intervene on the double.

Policies! Procedures! And standards of conduct! These are refrains that should be repeated, and no one can duck. Your workforce should know that they should have a good time. After all, it’s a party! That is not a crime. But remind them that rules will still be in place, and if they cause any problems, you will be on their case.

Finally, it’s surprising that this needs to be said, in a world where a viral image can so quickly spread. You may laugh, roll your eyes or think I’m insane, but there is one decoration you simply cannot obtain. For when the drinks are flowing, as you must know, there’s no doubt that we run the risk of Cupid’s bow. That is why I’ll say, and I’ll say it really slow, no matter what you do, don’t hang mistletoe!

Learning these pointers, and keeping them in mind, allows the HR team to quickly unwind. Happy holidays to all, and this story’s complete. Just make sure these reminders don’t take a back seat.

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Stephen Scott is an associate in the Portland office of Fisher Phillips, a national firm dedicated to representing employers’ interests in all aspects of workplace law. Contact him at 503-205-8094 or smscott@fisherphillips.com.