By Fred Cavaiani
Many years ago when one of our daughters had started her first year of college she sent us a poem she had written to express her gratitude to us. This first semester was difficult for her. She would call us often and was very grateful that we would listen patiently to her struggles. In the poem she said “When I am on my last thread, I call my parents and thus clear my head. They are there for me. To sympathize defeat and praise victory.” I have never forgotten the power of those words To sympathize defeat and praise victory.
It is what everyone seeks in relationships and it is the most powerful gift we can give another person. To sympathize defeat and praise victory.
This past weekend I gave a presentation to a wonderful group of nurses who work in the field of reproductive endocrinology. This loving and dedicated group of professionals help couples and individuals who have struggled deeply in their journey toward having a child. They literally sympathize defeat and praise victory every working day. My presentation was on “Soothing the Inner Spirit, Nurturing the Nurse”. The wisdom shared by these brave women and men energized, inspired and encouraged each member of this dedicated group to start caring and loving themselves more through exercise, meditation and emotional sharing on a daily basis. If we could have bottled the positive energy in the auditorium and put it on the open market it would be a tonic that would change the world.
During this time these nurses sympathized defeat and praised victory with one anther.
People decide to marry because they have found someone who has sympathized defeat and praised victory. Friendships develop and remain because there is a presence of sympathizing defeat and praising victory in the relationship. Marriages end and friendships end because someone has stopped sympathizing defeat and praising victory.
When I can reach out to another person in sympathy and praise I have created an atmosphere for that person to have a better life. I have given a gift of love to another person that concretely sits beside them in empathy and care and praises them in an affirming manner that gives them a sense of well-being and importance.
Too often we spent too much time criticizing the defeats and failures of one another and minimizing the successes and achievements of other people. This happens in families, communities, politics and religion. The failure to see goodness in one another is a failure to accept our own limitations and deficiencies. When I run from myself it is easier to downplay any success other people may have. When I begin to start sympathizing my own defeats and praising my own victories my life will be more comfortable and wholesome. Yet to do this I need to find people in my life who will help me with this most important principle. Hopefully we have all had parents who at least early in our lives could sympathize with our defeats and praise our victories. No one has had the perfect parents so we all lack some of the power of this important principle.
When I can focus on other people in such a way as to sympathize their defeats and praise their victories, I will discover my own emotional wounds that need to be felt so they can heal. When I focus on how terrible how life is and how terrible other people are who do not agree with me I begin to lose my perspective on life. I become blocked to positive feelings and receiving positive feelings from other people, from nature, and from God. My energy is to avoid sympathizing defeat and praising victory. As a result I avoid honesty and emotional connections with others.
I have been very fortunate in my life to have a spouse, family members and very close friends who consistently sympathize with my defeats and praise my victories. I am very grateful that they are all in my life. They have helped me tremendously over many years. These caring and loving people have affirmed, challenged and sympathized with me many times so to help me sympathize with my own defeats and learn how to praise my own victories.
Each of us gets into negative attitudes and judgments. It is part of being human. But we have the ability to realize this and admit that we are not on the right road at these times. Many years ago our daughter gave my wife and I a golden nugget of wisdom that can symbolize how to live life to the fullest: To sympathize defeat and praise victory.
I think the greatest gift we can give another person is to sympathize defeat and praise victory.
Fred Cavaiani is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and Henry Ford Medical Center. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at (248)362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
