Spencer Farris, The Levison Group
The tinsel tree is up in the Levison Towers entry way, complete with spinning tricolored light. It is a common sight to those of us who have made the Towers home for a while, and folks of my vintage get warm and fuzzy thinking about the same tree from our childhood. Younger folks marvel at sheer tacky noir of it. Both groups are correct.
The holiday season is well upon us as I write this. Hanukah and Thanksgiving in the rear view, Christmas, New Years and so on in the windshield. Middle aged Lawyer guy has noticed that his wish list is shorter, but the hustle and bustle takes more time.
Advertisers are blitzing the airwaves as hard as they ever have. I am always amused by the ads touting cars as a holiday gift- folks who give cars as gifts don’t need a sale or special occasion I am guessing.
I haven’t noticed lawyers doing much to advertise for the holidays. Perhaps that is a good thing. Giving grandpa a Will in his Christmas stocking may send the wrong message. So would giving a copy of a trust to a child. I can’t imagine divorce papers being a good choice, either. Then again, they might.
I was surprised this week when a small man peered into my office. I didn’t see him come in, and rightfully so- he was barely taller than my desk. His garish green suit caught my eye first, but since lawyers are not known to be snappy dressers, I thought little of it.
I stood to introduce myself, and directed the visitor to a chair, making a mental note to fire our receptionist for letting someone in unannounced. My office mantra is to hire fast and fire slow, so that mental note got filed with all the rest.
“What can I do for you Mr…” my voice trailed off.
“Williams. Bart Williams. I represent a small labor force and we need some help negotiating with our employer.”
The part of my brain that hates me thought “small force indeed,” but that didn’t escape my lips. If there is one thing I have learned practicing law, it is to enjoy my own jokes without sharing them. Some celebrities could take a lesson.
“Well Mr. Williams, I don’t do much labor work, but times are lean. Tell me how I can help.”
“From the looks of you, they ain’t that lean.” Clearly, Williams did not have the benefit of my legal filter. He continued.
“My co workers and I work in a horrible situation. We started out making small novelty items for a private concern that had an old fashioned distribution method. Later, the place was bought out by an international conglomerate that produced more high tech items. We didn’t have the machinery for these things, so we turned them out as fast as we could, by hand. We work round the clock to meet deadlines, and when we finish with one deadline, we just start over again.”
“ Are you looking for overtime pay?” I asked.
“Not really. We like our jobs, and we don’t have time to spend any money anyway. The company provides for our needs. ”
“Aha! You make iPhones, don’t you?”
“No. We mostly make toys.”
Then it hit me.
“Is your factory up north?”
“Yes!” he exclaimed.
“I am afraid I can’t help you. Your employer is pretty much exempt from labor laws. Kind of like Major League Baseball.”
Williams’ face fell- not far as he was a little fella, but fell none the less.
“Is there nothing you can do for us?”
“Let me make some calls.”
I finally found a number for Santa, Inc. and after a few hours of phone tag and voicemail roulette, I got to a live person.
“We don’t usually take calls,” said the person on the other end of the phone. “We are more accustomed to getting letters.”
That made sense to me. I pleaded my client’s case, and a corporate lawyer for the firm called me back a few hours later. I won’t bore you with the details, Gentle Reader, but suffice it to say that the language exchanged wasn’t always fit for a child friendly company. Ultimately I called my client in to finalize his demands.
“Mr. Williams, your employer is hard to deal with. They tell me you have no union and jobs at the factory are about the only employment available to you and your co-workers.”
“We love our jobs, and we don’t want to lose them!” he cried. “We just want to go back to the way things were.”
“Time and technology have changed. There is no way to roll the factory back to its beginning.”
“Can you at least get one change?” he pleaded.
“I will try. What do you want?”
“Can we go back to being called elves, instead of subordinate Clauses?”
“I will see what I can do.”
As he turned to leave, I remarked,” you sure came a long way to get legal help.”
“Not as far as you went for this joke,” he replied.
May your holiday journeys be safe and your new year, prosperous.
––––––––––
Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column of the Levison Group. Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St Louis, Missouri. Any slights to elves, living or dead, are coincidental. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent c/o this newspaper or directly to the Levison Group via email at comments@levisongroup.com.
© 2013 Under Analysis L.L.C.
