Fred Cavaiani
The Super Bowl is over. Seattle trounced Denver. There was no competition in this game. I wanted Denver to win. I like Peyton Manning. Our son lives in Colorado. Yet I did have some positive feelings toward Seattle. It is a great city. People work hard there. Washington is a great state. But I had lost all of those feelings after the playoff game that Seattle won to get into the Super Bowl after I watched the immature, narcissistic tirade of defensive back Richard Sherman. I reacted so negatively to his television outburst at the end of the game that it warped my whole attitude toward Seattle. My emotional reaction was so negative that I transferred it to the whole team and the whole city. I am glad it didn’t last that long but even now when I think about Seattle I experience that negative feeling I had watching this defensive back act so immaturely. He may be a very good, kind and intelligent person but those feelings were far from my attitude after watching him on television.
Emotion is powerful. It can be powerfully positive or powerfully negative. When someone is kind and respectful toward us it is easy to have kind and respectful feelings toward whatever this person may represent. When someone acts narcissistically or immaturely it is difficult to experience respect or kindness toward whatever that person represents.
Emotion can be a prison blocking us off from relationships or understanding something new. Emotion can be a positive push toward wanting to understand someone or something. When we are negatively influenced by someone or something else, we back away. When we are positively influenced by someone we journey toward that person or something.
The warmth of the Budweiser commercial about the close relationship between the puppy and the horse said nothing about the taste of Budweiser Beer. But it created in our hearts a positive feeling when we hear the word Budweiser.
The real genius of life is to create positive, loving emotions in other people. The real stupidity in life is to create negative emotions in other people. Yet each of us will be affected positively and negatively by people. It is part of the human situation. It is up to us to not let emotion put us into an emotional prison. It becomes important to look deeper into what we are feeling be it positive or negative and understand how this is affecting our life. When we feel good about someone it is important to accept this but also realize that no one is perfect. We just need to embrace the feeling and be grateful. When we feel hurt or turned off by someone we need to accept this and look deeper and see what is really going on inside of our self. When people bug us for more than a couple of minutes and we keep mulling over this we give power to this person and they don’t even know we have given them such power. When we make another person perfect in our mind we do the same thing. We often give power over our personal selves to other people who may be a saint or a sinner, a good person or a bad person. When a person falls in love power is given to the beloved that is not always healthy. When a person is hurt by someone by a word, by forgetfulness or by an attitude of indifference, power can often be given to that person that creates misery and unhealthy resentments within us. Again we give power to someone or something which imprisons us.
Emotions can either free us from living too much in our heads and avoiding what we need to experience or emotions can put us into a straightjacket where we are controlled and stifled from getting on with life in a joyful, free, and peaceful manner.
The secret of a meaningful and peaceful life is to embrace what we feel instead of reacting to what we feel. When I was upset at Richard Sherman after his tirade I wasn’t embracing what I was feeling. I was only reacting. The truth is I was caught up in my own judgmental attitude and self-righteousness instead of realizing that I was watching a young man letting his emotions get the best of him and maybe he would be having a better day tomorrow. I put him in a locked judgmental attitude in my mind and refused to look deeper instead of simply embracing what I was really feeling and owning my own responsibility to how this feeling was affecting my life.
When I can sincerely embrace and accept what I am feeling I can allow myself to become more broken and open to understanding myself and other people and become more receptive to whatever is coming my way. An open and broken attitude becomes the best way to experiencing life. Some call this a door that opens to God –whoever God might be for you. I will work on not giving power to others but becoming more receptive and understanding toward others. We are all on this journey together.
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Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage counselor and psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeast Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at (248)362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
