Under Analysis: Do you want weed with that?

 Lisa Henderson-Newlin, The Levison Group

There are several embarrassing things about me, but today there is one less. Normally I’m embarrassed to admit that I love McDonald’s. It’s a shameful confession but it’s true. I’ve never been willing to admit it, however, until now. With one news story, it’s all changed.

Last week, in Ottumwa, Iowa, a couple was served a cheeseburger with marijuana on top. It’s kind of like ice cream with a cherry on top, only this garnish gets you buzzed. This extra ingredient brings a whole new meaning to McDonald’s’ “extra value meal.”

What I find funny about this story is the fact that the people called the police instead of (1) ingesting it or (2) gifting it. Graduation is upon us. Some people prefer cash while others prefer hash. It’s a perfect opportunity to take care of that loved one.

What’s also humorous is the couple immediately knew that it looked and smelled like pot. How did that couple know such a thing? Is D.A.R.E. really that effective?

Maybe in Ottumwa, Iowa, it is.

So many thoughts went through my mind when I read this article and I’d like to just be blunt on the topic. Whose pot was it and why was it on a burger? I suspect some poor cook in the back was bummed his stash was accidentally sold, as he was probably itching for his break so he could sit back and enjoy a burger while he got fried. 

Police are still investigating to see if the substance was actually pot. I’m not sure how extensive the investigation will be but it seems to me they could have asked any college student to assist in the investigation. I’m sure there are several kids who would come forward to sample the product and give a straightforward answer for free. 

I’m wondering if this means a change in all McDonald’s and how they do things. Perhaps now they will serve a number 420 with marijuana as a garnish. I suspect if this was done, more people would be shouting their motto of “I’m lovin’ it!” 

This also gives new meaning to the term “happy meal.” I wonder if those will now come with a plastic Puff the Magic Dragon figurine. 

I also wonder if McNuggets will come with a little nugget as well. If so, people will probably be asking for extra sauce with a side of hash. I’m not sure, however, if that order could be super-sized.

Will they have a new motto? Perhaps now it will be “We’re lighting up the deals! Our prices are smokin’!” Maybe they could have a promotion called “Cash for hash(browns).” I bet they would do a great late night menu of munchies items.

Come to think of it, maybe this is what is in that secret sauce after all. Maybe now that the cat is out of the bag, they’ll switch up their menu items a bit. Maybe there will now be an option to get your buns “toasted.” I suppose with these changes they will focus on a new herb in their food to step up the flavor.

Perhaps a new marketing plan is a good idea as well. I bet it could really class up the joint. Instead of elevator music they could play The Doobie Brothers and Bob Marley. I bet this change in directions would really stir the pot with some customers. If McDonald’s didn’t want to go world-wide with this concept for fear it would go up in smoke, perhaps they could start the changes in all of their Colorado stores first.

If they’re going this new direction they’ll have to focus their advertising on the Hungry Hungry Hippies by encouraging them to bring a bud to dinner.

I’m not sure how the marijuana made its way into the cheeseburger that evening, but I suspect it may have been a drug dealer’s way of branching out to a new market. He probably figured if he could get more people hooked, the drive thru would be smokin’. Literally.

I wonder if this new ingredient will make items more expensive and if this will turn into a chronic menu item. I also wonder if brownies will mysteriously make their way onto the menu. 

Come to think of it, I might be more likely to eat a salad from McDonald’s if I knew the weeds I was eating were more than just iceberg lettuce.

Either way, I’m hoping one thing is true; that the person passing out the bud-burger was named Mary Jane.

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Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column of The Levison Group. Lisa Henderson-Newlin is a shareholder of the law firm McAnany, Van Cleave, and Phillips. She’s a contributing writer at NickMom.com and writes a humor website, LisaNewlin.com. Contact Lisa at lhenderson@mvplaw.com or contact Under Analysis by email at comments@levisongroup.com.

© 2014 Under Analysis L.L.C.

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