Charles Kramer, The Levison Group
These days there are a lot of complaints circulating about lawyers. Ironically, one of the loudest is often a claim that “normal folk” can’t understand what it is we lawyers are actually trying to say, while another takes aim at the propensity of solicitors to utilize eight words when presumably one would do. These two complaints are, obviously, at odds with each other. Using more words to identify a single subject helps clarify exactly what is being talked about, resulting in specificity, clarity, articulation, narrowing, increased comprehension and precision. Furthermore, sometimes people have to be clearly instructed about what is what.
One of the benefits of living in St Louis, Missouri is that, well, we are located in Missouri. As a result, I have to guess at very little. In fact, Missouri is one of the top states in the nation, when it comes to making sure its citizens cannot complain about vagaries in the law.
For example, every state in the union has speed limit laws. But most if not all other states leave it up to their citizens to “interpret” or “assume” what might happen if they exceed the speed limit. Not good old Missouri however. Missouri has its speed limit laws, on state, county, and local levels. However it also has the one, clarifying law, which most states do not. Missouri has a separate, stand alone statute, which clearly notifies everyone that “It is illegal to exceed posted speed limits.”
Similarly, some local lawmakers intentionally narrow their prohibitions to ensure only the true scofflaws are impacted. In several cities, a homeowner may have a 25 foot satellite dish on his or her home or in a yard fully exposed, but will be fined for having an “illegal antenna” if such an ugly creature is displayed. In Kansas City, under age hooligans are barred from purchasing cap guns, although the city does not preclude their purchase of actual shotguns. You can also have a bathtub, and a four legged pet, but you can’t install a bathtub if its legs resemble animal paws. Too confusing, I guess.
Still, my favorite of all laws may be the one in Natchez, Missouri. Being fully aware of the precariousness of Midwest life when intermingled with local mischief makers, Natchez passed an ordinance making it unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. (Because all Midwesterners know what a problem it is in when our Missouri elephants have a snoutful).
Also, I’m sure many of our readers have heard of townships in which dancing is still technically illegal, but only in Missouri would the city that enacted such a regulation be called “Purdy.”
Of course, our Flagship City, the City of St Louis, cannot be outdone. Despite the longtime presence of breweries and their importance to the local economy, it is still illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. It’s not the beer that’s the issue, apparently, it’s the bucket. That’s why a milk man may also not run while on duty.
There is also a law against abbreviating “Missouri” as “MI” instead of “MO.” Although why anyone would want to use an abbreviation for Michigan to refer to Missouri in the first place is beyond me. Confusing Missouri with Michigan would just make things crazy.
I mean, in Michigan, it’s illegal to be drunk on a train, for crying out loud and a woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. And I’m not sure what some Missourians would think when they learned that Clawson, Michigan made it illegal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats and chickens. Which is also probably why other Michigan cities make it illegal for a couple to make love in a car unless its parked on their own property, and Grand Haven makes it illegal to throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk.
Yet, when it comes right down to it, both Michiganders and Missourians have it better than our friends in Ohio. In Ohio, women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public, it’s illegal to get a fish drunk, and you are not allowed to fish for whales on Sunday. I mean, really, who could possibly live in such a backwards state as that?
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Under analysis is a nationally syndicated column of the Levison Group. Charles S Kramer is a principal of the St Louis Missouri law firm, Riezman Berger, PC. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent to the Levison Group c/o this newspaper, or direct via email to comments@levisongroup.com.
© 2015 Under Analysis LLC
