Charles Kramer, The Levison Group
It had happened once before, almost ten years earlier. Still, I was not prepared for it. I was sitting at my desk, once again focusing on a multi-party agreement, when my phone buzzed. It was time for my 11 a.m. meeting.
I clicked off my automated time-keeping application, minimized the document that had occupied my screen and headed out to the reception area to meet my newest client, Peter “the Problem” Smith.
Peter was not destined to be the most trustworthy of clients. Accountant Andrew, my referral source, had warned me about him.
“He undoubtedly has done whatever he is being accused of” had been Andy’s exact words.
Peter himself had admitted on our introductory phone call that he had not followed the straightest path. He still objected to the action that was being brought against him, however, and claimed to be undeserving of such charges. I asked him if he knew when a formal response was due, and he indicated he had successfully avoided service of process so far. Every other lawyer had told him that service was inevitable and that being a “service ducking scofflaw” served no purpose, but that they would not take the case even if he accepted the service of process. He had pleaded with me to at least hear him out and, since everyone is entitled to the best defense the law allows, I had agreed to the meeting.
We sat down in the conference room, and I offered my guest a coffee, soft drink or water. Seeing that a milkshake or beer was not an option, he declined. Before we could get any further, however, trumpets sounded, then sounded again. Right there, in our office, trumpets sounded.
Peter looked petrified. I, however, was simply annoyed. I recognized the sounds as those of Gabriel’s horns. I had all but forgotten the memory of the last time I had experienced this phenomenon and had long since abandoned any efforts to get my partners or friends to believe that such a thing had occurred – and here it was again. Although our office windows sported Halcyon shades, the latest energy cost conserving window treatments that dealt with window pane heat loss without obstructing our view, I nonetheless hit the remote control to raise them. I wanted nothing but glass to affect my vision.
As I suspected, a pinprick of bright light appeared in the sky, and a white glow began to flow from it. As Peter trembled and I stood silent, the light poured through the window, and bathed over us. I found myself wondering if, this time, this was finally the day. Was this the dawn of the salvation of mankind?
Once again, however, we were not so lucky.
The light faded and then vanished completely, to reveal a familiar figure standing before us. It was not Gabriel. It wasn’t even Elijah. It was, however, an angel. It was the same winged messenger with a rumpled shirt and newly pressed jeans that I’d encountered before. Despite the wings, I could still recognize a special process server when I saw one.
“Peter Smith, a/k/a Peter the Problem,” the melodic voice intoned, “you have been served.”
Before Peter could even think of running, the eerily glowing parchment materialized within his grasp. He tried to drop it, but could not. The Angelic process server flapped her wings, and flew through the glass window, leaving it unshattered and unscathed, and was gone. Peter handed me the parchment, which now detached from his hand with ease.
“The Lord Creator v Peter Smith Cause no. 00000-00001,” I read out loud.
As I’d assumed, my new client was being sued by the Big Guy himself, in Celestial Court. It was another example of true “Force Majeure.”
The good news for good old Pete was that the celestial realm, like the American federal criminal system, provides in many cases for Civil Enforcement as an alternative to Criminal charges. The Big Guy, being a fan of rehabilitation had once agan opted for a civil complaint, so eternal damnation was not in issue.
I scanned further down the document, and located the details of the complaint.
It was a complaint arising from the “Continued, Pervasive, Unrelenting, and Unconcerned abuse, mishandling, and waste of the Defendant’s Corporeal Vessel.” In short, the Lord All Mighty had finally become fed up with Peter’s lifestyle, and the effect it had on the body he had been lent. The claims sounded in Breach of Duty, Failure to Maintain, Negligence, Willful Neglect, and violation of Heavenly Directive 3.08 (Sanctity of Human Body). Apparently Peter had avoided any type of regular medical examination, dental treatments, hearing tests. He painstakingly avoided the use of protective gear when engaging in contact sports, or for that matter in sexual encounters. He consumed red meat eight times a day, and never had a glass of water. He averaged less than 5 hours of sleep a night and specialized in the one drink too many. He was accused of developing high blood pressure, high cholesterol, ragged discs, bad knees, idiopathic muscle conglobate; intermittent spiritus angustior, and rapidly diminishing eye sight. Count I sought an injunction compelling such behavior to cease; Count II demanded damages, to be paid through community service. Count III, however, plead in the alternative, was a claim for REPOSSESSION!!!! The Complaint made clear that it was not seeking to possess Peter’s body, as the man downstairs might do, but rather to simply take it back, rehab it, and then use it as a used vehicle for some other interested soul. It did not mention what would happen to Peter’s soul, once his body was reclaimed.
I looked at Peter, as he nervously puffed on the cigarette he’d smuggled into our nonsmoking conference room and sipped from his metal flask. He was a wreck and, undoubtedly, as Andres the Accountant had surmised, it was his fault. In other words, if I tried to litigate, I could not win.
Going up against the ONE in Celestial Court with a losing case did not sound like a smart career move. Luckily, however, Peter had come to the right place. I had some experience in these matters, and I knew that there was a way in which we could help. Obviously, the poor wretch of a creature in front of me was physically and morally BANKRUPT.
I explained to Peter that we would file the appropriate pleadings to make it official and would invoke the automatic stay of bankruptcy to prevent the Celestial body grab from going forward. We would file for reorganization. Body and soul would remain together. As long as Peter would put together a PLAN and stick to it, he would be okay.
Peter agreed, immediately, to change his life. He talked about a fitness center, giving up smoking, and beginning community service. I told him he’d have to see a doctor regularly, lose weight and follow all other medical directives and advice. He agreed and in a gallant show of redemption, he flipped his lit cigarette into the trash can and left, promising to return with my retainer and the outline of a full plan of reorganization by week’s end.
It did not surprise me when, within thirty seconds of Pete’s departure, the trash can erupted into flames. It was not the cigarette, however. It was an improper direct contact by the opposing party to me, without his lawyer present. The flame burned but consumed nothing, and then the voice came from everywhere and nowhere, at the same time.
“It worked so well last time, I knew you would see it through” the voice said. “The Plan of Reorganization does not thwart the intentions, it completes them.”
I nodded. I had figured that “the Guy” knew what I would do and how it would all turn out.
“Remember. Whenever you go awry, it is never too late. Recognize, Identify, Reorganize,” the voice concluded.
The fire went out. The room was silent. I was alone.
I chuckled to myself. “I really have to start limiting myself to just practicing in my local jurisdiction,” I thought.
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©2016 under analysis distribution, LLC. Under analysis is a nationally syndicated colum by the Levison Group. Charles Kramer is a principal of the St Louis based law firm Riezman Berger, P.C. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent c/o this newspaper or by email to Comments@ levisongroup.com.
