How to manage high-conflict personalities

By Jeff Trueman
BridgeTower Media Newswires
 
In general, “personalities” can be conceived of as patterns of how people think, manage emotions and behave. Adaptive personalities observe and learn how their behavior affects others. They adjust their conduct in order to develop and maintain meaningful personal and professional relationships. Maladaptive personalities, however, expect others to adapt to them. With continual effort to exert power and control over others, maladaptive personalities recreate the same relational problems and pain for themselves and others, over and over again.

High-conflict personalities are a subset of maladaptive personalities. HCPs express patterns of extreme thinking and behavior and do things most people would not do or say. They lack self-awareness and do not understand how they contribute to their own problems. They seek others to support and confirm their behavior and beliefs. Most important, they externalize culpability by identifying a “target of blame,” usually someone close -- a friend, family member or neighbor or an authority figure such as a lawyer, doctor, boss or public official. Many situations escalate because high-conflict personalities cannot relent toward this “target.”

On the surface, HCPs express anger. But beneath the anger is fear. For example, narcissist HCPs (“I’m superior”) are afraid of being subordinated. Borderline HCPs (“I love you-I hate you”) are afraid of being abandoned. Histrionic HCPs (always dramatic) fear being ignored. Antisocial HCPs (the “con man”) are afraid of being dominated. Paranoid HCPs (always suspicious) fear being exploited.

For lawyers, managing HCP clients can be challenging. The first thing to do is tune into yourself and manage your own emotional reactions. Emotional intelligence is an important part of practicing law. If feelings of anxiety or annoyance come up during an interaction with an HCP client or potential client, try to discern why. Identify your triggers. If you react out of your own anxiety, you run the risk of igniting a power struggle or otherwise souring the relationship.

Also, do not educate HCPs about their behavior. They are not likely to “see the light.” Instead, respond in the manner in which you want these clients to interact with you. Emotions are contagious. Respect the clients’ concerns, affirm their efforts and be patient. Be skeptical of claims that you suspect (or know) are false. You do not have to agree with the client. Instead of using logic, which will not persuade HCPs, strive to develop and maintain a good working relationship. The better the relationship the HCP client feels he or she has with you, the better the outcome.

HCPs obsess over past events. They spend a great deal of time and energy maintaining their narrative that they are the victim and someone else is at fault. Even if the HCP client presents a viable cause of action or defense, keep the client focused on the future. Prompt HCP clients to consider how they might achieve their goals and objectives without a certain sum of money or judgment from a court. Manage their expectations early and often with respect and patience. In settlement negotiations, ask HCP clients to make proposals that address their concerns (“Who will do what, by when?”). Avoid “why” questions, as those send HCPs back to the past. Simple, clear choices work best with HCPs, as do simple responses to settlement proposals from the other side (e.g., “yes,” “no” or “I’ll think about it”). When HCPs raise impossible scenarios or unanswerable questions, do not challenge them. Instead, respond with a sentence such as: “You might be right. What do you want to do now?”

HCP clients need special attention so their emotional needs can be met, thereby reducing the possibility of a blowup that shifts the target of blame to counsel.

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Jeff Trueman is a private commercial mediator. He can be reached at jt@jefftrueman.com.