Confessions of a Condor

War kickoff weekend

By Judge Mark J. Plawecki

“MICMAC is like the drunk angry tattooed Harley-riding guy at 2 a.m. in the Dawg House Bar. It doesn’t matter who did what. He will get into a fight.”
— Local attorney and former Dawg House patron Scott Wyatt
Spectacularly coinciding with college football’s opening game on ESPN, the MICMAC (Military-Industrial-Congressional-Media-Academic Complex) Cougars began their 64th season since the start of the Korean War last Thursday with typical fanfare and excitement. This year’s season opener vs. Syria was hoped by neocon schedule makers to lead to a long awaited bowl showdown later with Iran. As always, the mandated “play-in” game against the perennially pathetic Constitutional Condors was allowed and, like Michigan vs. CMU, promised an easy romp for the Cougars so that the real season could get underway.

Head coach Martin Dempsey (chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff), though normally as pessimistic as Frank Leahy was during Notre Dame’s glory years, has such an explosive attack that he’s even letting fifth year quarterback Barry “Choom” Obama call some of his own plays. Oddsmakers installed MICMAC as four-touchdown favorites over the Condors, whose weak defense consists only of truth, reason, and (for now) the American public, whom polls indicate are against a Syrian War — perhaps partly because 1) no self-defense of the U.S. being involved, and 2) no U.N. Security Council resolution makes any attack of Syria blatantly illegal under international law.

Undeterred by the fact that striking the Syrian regime would defacto help the opposition, who happen to include Al-Qaeda and its allies, MICMAC started the game last Thursday with a media blitz led by Obama’s safe passes to wide receivers Judy Woodruff and Gwen Ifill of PBS. The Cougars’ first series of downs featured the QB saying, “when countries break international norms on weapons like chemical weapons that could threaten us, they are held accountable.” Consulting with allies was made paramount, team officials stated.

Unfortunately, late in the quarter All-American flanker David “The Poodle” Cameron (British Prime Minister), ready to help execute Obama’s plays, was viciously chop-blocked from the sidelines by his own Parliament (a 285-273 No War vote) and was rendered incapacitated for the rest of the game, a stunning blow for all Cougar fans. The Condors ended the first quarter trailing but for once not downhearted.

The second quarter (last Friday) saw QB Obama hand the ball off to star tailback John Kerry (Secretary of State). Kerry gave a powerful open field address zig-zagging around Constitutional defenders, stating that the U.S. has “high confidence” that Syria’s government was responsible for the August 21 chemical weapons attack outside Damascus and history would judge us “extraordinarily harshly if we turned a blind eye to the atrocity.” It was such a performance that leading MICMAC cheerleader The Washington Post headlined “John Kerry makes a forceful case for U.S. Military Intervention in Syria,” naturally leaving out of its story any voice opposed to that of its team.

Naturally, too, no MICMAC media outlet dared mention an explosive August 26 Foreign Policy story which used top-secret CIA memos from the 1980s to show that not only did the U.S. know that Saddam Hussein’s Iraq used chemical weapons against Iran, killing far more than were slaughtered in Syria on August 21, but that we actively supported Iraq and covered up its CW use so no international outcry would ensue. But play-by-play announcers on Fox, CNN et al passed on revealing this information, since it might incite normally supportive Cougar fans to begin openly rooting for the Condors.

The third quarter (last Saturday) opening drive featured a trick play — QB Obama punted on second down to Congress, in a move not seen in Washington since the days of FDR and the single wing formation. A perfectly timed 1:50 p.m. speech (allowing Michigan and Notre Dame fans to settle in for their respective 3:30 p.m. kickoffs) had Obama welcome a Congressional vote the week of September 9 on the matter, cleverly leaving in his “Secret Option Play” — where he could strike Syria even if Congress voted against it. This left media cheerleaders and the war establishment confused, but the QB had seen polls showing 79 percent of fans wanted congressional authorization or, in other words, the Supreme Law of the Land to be actually observed.

The fourth quarter (Sunday), like the first three did not allow the Condors the ball (so they couldn’t actually make their case in corporate media), but Kerry ran five consecutive halfback option plays (MICMAC doesn’t follow four down rules like other teams; it simply keeps the ball until it scores) on Fox News Sunday, NBC’s “Meet the Press”, ABC’s “This Week,” CBS’s “Face the Nation”’ and CNN’s “State of the Union.” In this instance, Kerry chose to throw deep desperation passes that landed incomplete on all five networks, and his cause wasn’t helped when, helmetless, he was made to look by his make-up artist like Boris Karloff in “The Mummy.”
At regulation’s end the game was, incredibly, still tied, thereby requiring an unprecedented overtime period. Quarterback and coach may have to huddle with the MICMAC Board of Directors itself (stuffed as it is with representatives from the major defense contractors and Wall Street megabanks) to ensure Congressional skeptics don’t threaten the squad with internal dissension. Don’t bet against the intervention but, for now, be aware that just getting into OT has lifted the spirits of the longtime winless Constitutional Condors, heretofore the Chicago Cubs of Warfare Football.


Mark J. Plawecki is a district court judge in Dearborn Heights. Confessions of a Condor offers a dissenting opinion on the current American status quo.


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