Tracy K. Lorenz ...



Years ago I took my life into my own hands and ventured into the Walmart on East Sherman Blvd. In Muskegon there are two Walmart's: the “nice Walmart” in Norton Shores and this one.

I believe it was my first trip into this, or any, Walmart, and it was an experience that remains with me. First there was the parking lot, which looked like God picked up all the cars and threw them like dice.  There were actual parking spots but apparently Walmart shoppers like to think outside the box and parking parallel to the car next to them is a challenge they choose to ignore.  If their parking skills are any indication I’m guessing none of these people had ever won a game of “Operation.”

Once I entered the store I was immediately met with the smell of popcorn, that should have been my first clue that my shopping experience was less Rodeo Drive and more just plain rodeo.

Then there were the patrons: necessary orthodontia notwithstanding, they seemed harmless enough, but apparently had an aversion to hangers and shelves. As I walked back towards Sporting Goods (I believe I was buying a tent), the amount of tried on and discarded clothing was hard not to notice. It looked how I imagine Rosanne’s laundry room to look but more violent. Oh, and at least 70% of the people in that store limped.

In the world of writing that’s what we call foreshadowing.

So I’m walking back towards Sporting Goods and I encounter a woman who’s crying, not, like, “boo hoo” crying, like “WAAAAAAAAH! crying with tears shooting out like when Snoopy cries.  It’s about noon, I’m in “The Bad Walmart,” there are clothes everywhere, and now there’s a woman wailing in the aisle, life is good. Then I saw the reason she was crying – she had dropped her gigantic 64 ounce Styrofoam cup of Coke on the floor. Then I smelled the REAL reason she was crying as the unmistakable scent of Jack Daniels attacked my nostrils.

I recalled this memory because I just read an item on my Facebook newsfeed where a woman in Texas was arrested at 7-11 for driving a motorized scooter while drinking whiskey out of a Pringles can.

Now you may think you’re cool, but you will never be drinking whiskey out of a Pringles can at 7-11 cool.

And that’s the beauty of life, if you think you’re doing good there’s always someone doing better, and if you think your life is a wreck, well, it’s all about ... perspective.

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