Tracy K. Lorenz ...

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Fast Food

Yesterday I went to Jimmy John’s to get my son Q a sandwich to eat between getting out of school at 3:00 and the start of play practice at 3:30. He wanted a turkey with provolone and lettuce; that’s it – no mayo, no mustard. I got the sandwich, zipped over to Catholic Central, handed it off, and that was that.

Except they forgot the turkey part. I paid eight bucks for a lettuce and cheese sandwich.

I was the only customer in there at the time. You would think it wouldn’t be that hard to create a sandwich which has the actual ingredients in the name, Mr. Fifteen Bucks an Hour.

But this wasn’t even close to the most unusual things I’ve seen in the wonderful world of fast food ...

I was at a McDonald’s in Grandville once at noon, the place was packed, and they had exactly one girl working the counter. After I got up there I asked why she didn’t have any help, and she said: “We didn't think we'd be this busy at noon.” 

Some co-workers and I went to a new Mexican restaurant and after one guy, Ken Fusee, ordered, the waitress asked if he’d like fried rice. Ken, in a nice way, asked, “What do I do with the fried rice?” to which the waitress replied, “Stick it up your a** for all I care.” I believe that particular restaurant is no longer open.

I was at a KFC once when they ran out of chicken.

I was sitting with friends in a different KFC after the bar closed one night and EVERY SINGLE PERSON who went through the drive-thru said, verbatim, “Can you toss an extra piece in there for me?” Every. Single. One.

I saw a woman in the back of a cab waiting in line at the Burger King drive-thru, she was about five cars back. I’m guessing her Whopper Jr. cost her $35.00.

I was at the same Burger King when I heard a guy order a plain Whopper.

I was in the Taco Bell on Apple Ave. when a woman got her order and said it was wrong. The girl behind the counter looked at the receipt and said, “This is what you ordered,” to which the woman replied, “But that’s not what I wanted.”

But the winner occurred at the Burger King on Henry Street. A guy ordered THREE Whoppers. He sat down, laid out the wrapper like a plate, and ate Whopper #1 over the wrapper. (Have you ever seen a slow-motion shot of a shark eating where its lips kind of pull back and its teeth go forward? He looked like that.) He then opened Whopper #2 and did the same thing like he’d done this before. He repeated the process with Whopper #3. He then took the wrapper that all the condiments and juice fell into, rolled it up like a funnel, and squeezed it into his mouth like one of those things a pastry chef uses to frost a cake. I felt like applauding.

It’s a shame YouTube wasn’t around back then. I could have made a bundle with that video; fat guy, shark mouth, and squeeze condiments, it had all the ... ingredients.

Printed by permission of the author. Email him at Lorenzatlarge@aol.com.
Get Tracy’s latest book at BarnesandNoble.com or Amazon.com, or  download it from www.fastpencil.com.
Only $3.99, cheap.

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